Earlier

Unhappiness really meant something back in the day. Those days are gone. The days of humiliations and heartbreaks are not being delivered to my brain anymore. I even ran out tears. Don't get me wrong, is not like Iam happy. I've been hanging around feeling up, feeling down but today rejection, date trials and love failure are more like a drag to me, like a fucking cold or being broke. It's been really nice,we went for a drink,we went for a walk,we went for a drive on one of many hopeless nights. I just sometimes get this fear that nothing is true. I laughed so much I almost split in two .I had so much fun but nothing's true. I don't get too involved or too emotional. My days are numbered here. May be is apathy but I really don't care. If you really wanted to mess me up, you should have got to me earlier.

K-hole

charming monkey drunken donkey
dragonfly kiss your tail
precious robot built so frail
universe of milk and ember
your hot kiss in mid december
what's god's name i can't remember
through the crack eye lovely weather
tiny spirit in a k-hole
bloated like a soggy cereal
god will come and wash away
our tattoos and all the cocaine
and all of the aborted babies
will turn into little bambies

1992

In those days there was a kind of feeling of pushing out of the front door, into the pale exhaust fume park by broad water pond. Supermarkets after chicken restaurants, after spare pawnshop, everything in my life felt like it was coming to a mysterious close. I could hardly walk to the end of the street without feeling there was no way to go except back. The dates I had that summer count to nothing, my job was a dead end and the rent check was killing me a little more each month. It seemed unlikely that anything could hold much longer. The only question left to ask was what would happen after everything familiar collapsed, but for now the sun was stretched between me and that moment. It was ferociously hot. As I lay in my room I can hear my neighbors discussing the world and opening beers in their gardens. On the other side someone was singing an Arabic prayer through the thin wall. I had no money for the pub so I decided to go for a walk. I found myself wandering aimlessly to the west. I crossed the street and headed into virgin territory, I had never been this way before grabble Dutch houses alternative with square 60s offices and the white pavements angulated with cracks and litter. I walked because there was nothing else for me to do and by the breeze the light began to fade. The avenue led me to the verge of a long greasy A road that rose up in the far distance with symmetrical terraces falling steeply down and up again from a distant railway station. There were 4 benches to my right with those strange bushes that grow in the area. These blossoms are so pale yellow they seem translucent almost spectral and suddenly tired, I sat down. I held my head in my hands, feeling like shit but a sudden breeze escaped from the terraces and for a moment I lost my thoughts and its unexpected glooms. I looked up and I realized I was sitting in a photograph. I remember clearly this photograph was taken by my mother in 1992 outside our front garden, it was slightly underexposed I was still sitting in the bench but the colors and the plains of the road and the horizon had become the photo but I looked hard and I could see the lines of the window ledge in the original photograph were now composed by a tree branch and the silhouetted edge of a grass barge and yes there were pale stars far off to the west that traced out the lines of a toddlers eyes and mouth. When I look back at this there's nothing to grasp, no starting point. I was inside an underexposed photo from 1992 but I was also sitting on a bench.
The feeling of 1992, dizzy, illogical, as if none of the intervening disasters and wrong turns had happened yet. I felt guilty and inconsolably sad. I felt the instinctive tug back to school, the memory of shopping malls, cooking, driving in my mothers car, all gone, gone forever. I just sat there for awhile, I was so tired that I didn't bother trying to work out what was going on. I was happy just to sit in the photo while it was lasted which wasn't long anyway. The light faded, the wind caught the smoke, the stars dimmed under the glare of the streetlamps. I got up and walked away from the spot of little benches and an oncoming of Garish kids. Our bus was rumbling to my rescue down that hill with a great big fire Alexandra palace on its front and I realized I did want to drink after all.
Thank you Alasdair MacLean

Southern Tendencies & Chemicals Dependencies

It's so hard to live in the city. I've been walking for blocks and I wish I don't see her face everywhere. I'm making notes in my head remembering her pale blue eyes. Our love was like a broken bottle. Sharp and dangerous. A glass hidden in the grass it only hurt when I saw the blood,when it was too late.
The night is closing in. Shadows paint the streets and I feel like Im walking on a trampolin. Im sinking in a hole and if I can't get out I will dig some more.
She brings out the scotch in me. I stop to have a drink. My drink is telling me Im not good for her. I let my tears dry on their own. Im tired. My eyes are half shut and heavy. My bruises are turning from yellow to black and blue. I spend too much time disecting every word we said. My judgement is clouded by visions of what if. If I call I will get her cold and mean answering machine. I'm not smiling on the outside. I'm not smiling underneath.
I was young when I left home with her. Memories of all the broken promises just gave me a bad taste in my mouth and it feels like her fingernails just got sharpened on my throat. Most these memories are a white blur image of anger or content. I feel naked and alone now surrounded by strangers taking in all those deafening whispers. I'm sinking like a stone on my sweaty cold glass. I'm wearing a frown like Pierrot the clown. My body is a cage and is holding all these memories. It's such a shame.
I finish my drink and I'm starting to miss all those days in the sun when I used to have fun. Those days didn't last. I made a habit of building a lot of walls with barbed wire to keep away friends from me. Sleeping around the clock made my skin pale. I felt emaciated,famished.
The weight of my lies shattered my glasshouse. I used to think I was the mess she wear with pride everywhere we go but I was wrong. Little by little it took me by surprise. Slowly but steady i felt the vertigo of my downfall. Now Iam wandering alone. Bad thoughts are creeping in. I'm starting to think she's only two towns from me. I heard from a friend she still pretty. The cold night is hitting my face like needles.Awake now, I recognize my delusion. Our love was murder. She was the weapon and I was the trigger. All I see is me but she's everywhere. She is in everything I see. On my way home. On my last drink and probably on my next one. My only mistake was staying in Tennessee a year too long. I keep walking . My backpages are flipping. A series of dreams where everything is broken are now present. There's blood in my eyes. Is not dark yet but is getiing there. I keep walking not talking. Here Iam rotting once again in a cold Southern night with Tennessee tendencies and chemical dependencies.

Strange

Why's everybody actin funny?
Why's everybody look so strange?
Why's everybody look so nasty?
What do I want with all these things?

I went alone down to the drugstore.
I went in back and took a Coke.
I stood in line and ate my Twinkies.
I stood in line, I had to wait

Can't Forget What I Don't Remember

There's always something missing. Now that I've found it,it's gone. Now that I feel it,you don't. Sometimes I wonder when things became so strange? I made it to my bed but stay up all night instead. My eyes are gloss and there's diamonds in my veins. Don't you want to know how this thing will go?
Now that summer is gone I'm not the same. At home there's voices in my head and a phantom everywhere but i can only see you.
I don't worry anymore at least not like I did before because it's all right to see her ghost pass me by. I will settle in my dreams and run to her. She stands stark naked and she beckons me to bed. I only want to know when she'll come back again?
The winter is tunning up and a lot goes on forever. I'll drive by my old address. I'll find her there. We'll ride high,fine and free.

My Horoscope

My horoscope said I've been bad. I made a home in my head but I forgot where I live. I tried to make sense of these but I lost my sense. I tried to text you but I lost my nerve. I bought a TV to find out about you but I broke it. I found a crystal ball but i lost it. I went to a psychic and she told me lies, told me you were just fine. I try to find some drugs but I'm wasted. I tried to warn you but you won't answer. I tried to call you but you are out of your head. I tried to play the game but it was a game. I tried to make it home but I can't go back. I read books about you but I can't translate. I was so excited now i don't feel shit. How come is so shallow when I think is deep?
I tried to disappear but I can't find myself. I ran out of hope and I don't believe. I traded my Holy Water for cheap wine. Drank the dirt, ate the sand, tried whatever I had in hand. I started some fires and slashed some tires. I threw some punches but all I got was the munchies. I tried to hate you but I'm still your friend. I'll make some sense of these at the end. You are all gone and I'm still at the gate breaking the law from state to state. I tried to hold you back but I forgot why. I tried to explain it but I can't care less. I'm all gone.

SE7EN THOUSAND

I spent too much time of my life jumping from one relationship to another. This made me believe I was never alone or may be that time was not passing me by. It's been such a long life. Times like these for me now are hell. I got buried rumours crawling from the woods. I know you fuck what you love and you love what you fuck. Your heart is a whore and love is just lust. I'll keep it true. I don't love . I just fight because everything breaks and you always want what you can't have. I know your tricks once called me over but your mind is fake and Iam sober.
I really don't want to think about those things anymore. It's time to leave. I've got to get out of here. I've always been falling but not on my knees. I know you want me to keep on going but why you want to know where Iam if we got eyes that leave us in places we don't see.
I know there is seven thousand things I'd rather do and be than you.
Your heart is a whore and love is just lust. Why are you always a fucking ghost?